King Karl holds a special jousting match to determine what knight is worthy of taking his daughter, Princess Pepper, to the annual ball. Convinced this is his chance to woo the princess, Sir Splatterton enters the competition. (Duration: 17:59). Theme music by Kevin Macleod – Incompetech.com. Want to listen offline? Click the download icon on the player above to download this episode to your device.
Episode 3: The Joust!
Splat: Episode Three – The Joust!
Sounds of being outside. Duke the drogan (half dog/half dragon) flies in, drops something, pants and then barks. Splat: That a boy Duke! Ready to do it again? Duke barks again Yes you are! Yes you are! Okay, I’m going to throw the bone even further this time. Ready? Aaaaaand go get it! Throws bone, Duke flies and brings it back. Ooooh it never gets old!
Beavs: I disagree. It got old seven hours ago. Give it a rest, Splatterton. You’ll give the poor drogon a stroke.
Splat: Nonsense! Duke loves this game more than anything! Playing fetch keeps us on our toes and ready for the next quest! Oh I get it, you’re jealous. Okay, Beavs, you can have a turn.
Beavs: And touch that disgusting piece of animal carcass, I think not.
Splat: Suit yourself. Why don’t you give it a try, knights? Want to play fetch with Duke? Yes? Excellent! Then, spatulas at the ready! Trumpets Pretend your spatula is a bone and give it a gentle toss, don’t break anything. Just throw it far enough for Duke to chase it down. Ready? One…Two…Three…THROW! Throw, bark, fly, Duke brings it back. Look at him go! Whoa! You made Duke do a spin! Amazing! Let’s try that again, one…two…three…THROW! Throw, bark, fly…
Flip: Ew, look – a bone! Runs
Splat: Flip, wait! That throw was for Duke!
Flip: Bites down on bone I got it! I got the white stick! RRrrrr, let it go! I got it first! Duke struggles with bone as they play tug-a-war
Beavs: Splatterton, how long are you going to make us endure this pitiful, uncivilized game? I beg you to give it up so we can go back to the tower.
Splat: Well, to be perfectly honest, I planned on playing until I forgot about what was making me sad…
Beavs: Oh no, please don’t tell me about your problems.
Splat: You see, I still don’t have a date for the upcoming ball. I’m afraid it’s too late to get one and I’m going to miss out on the greatest Spatulot event of the year.
Beavs: Surely we aren’t thinking of the same ball. The one where you’re duped into paying absurd amounts of gold for awkward sketches of you and your date? Then there’s the suffocating outfits and you have to rent a stretch carriage…
Splat: Psh, yeah! Who needs it! Not me! I don’t need that kind of social reinforcement! NO SIR!
Call to quest trumpets!
Splat: Finally! Our next quest awaits! I could use a better distraction. Follow the trumpets, knights! Turn your spatula sideways and use it as the reins of your horse. Aaaand off we go! Flick reins and horse gallop Ya! Ya! Almost there! Trumpets again?
Sounds of arena and crowd – Splat: The trumpets are coming from the King’s Jousting Arena. Let’s find out what’s going on! Trumpets…(new trumpet medley for royal announcement) Look, the king’s about to speak.
King Karl: (microphone) So I just speak into it LIKE THIS? Whoa! — Where’d you get this thing? It makes me sound like a giant. I could give them a real scare with this. — What? They can hear me right now? — Mmm, Okay…Welcome, welcome my pathetic peasants! I’ve called you all here for a very special occasion. As you all know, the annual king’s ball is coming up and you’re all invited! Crowd cheers. Yes, yes, quiet down, quiet down. As a reminder, tickets are three sacks of gold per couple, but if you buy them by tomorrow you’ll get the early bird special of two and a half sacks. Crowd Eeewss. Quiet down, quieeeeeet down. My daughter, Princess Pepper, is in need of a date to the ball. To determine the lucky man who will win her hand, I am holding a jousting competition at this very moment! Crowd erupts. I know! I know! Aren’t I the best? Now, seriously, BE QUIET! For those who won’t be participating, it’ll cost you five gold coins to stay and watch the event. And if you try to get up and leave, we’ll take five coins from you anyway. Princess Pepper, my little dumpling, anything you want to say to the challengers?
Princess Pepper: Ugh, this is sooo lame.
King Karl: Haha! Isn’t she the best! That is what you’ll get to deal with the night of the ball. Imagine the slow dance conversation. Lucky you! Challengers, suit up and line up at either end of the arena. May the most desperate man win! Crowd cheers
Splat: I can’t believe it! A chance to take Princess Pepper to the ball! It’s a dream come true. I must win this match. I’ve never jousted before. But how hard could it be? It’s just a duel on horses using long sticks, right?
Beavs: Oh Splatterton, you’re hopeless. If you want to go risk serious injury or death for that spoiled snob, I won’t stop you.
Splat: What inspiring words of encouragement, Beavs! Now, I’ll just put on my helmet and gauntlets. And take one of those long sticks, thank you sir. How do I look? Beavs? BEAVS? Where did he go. Flip, what do you think? FLIP?! You guys can’t just leave me!
Ref: First up, Sir Splatterton vs. The Witch! To your positions! Horses trot up. Don’t start your gallop until you hear me squeeze this chicken. That’s your signal. Whoever knocks the other knight off their horse advances to the next round.
Splat: Easy enough. Knights, spatulas at the ready! TRUMPETS Hold out your spatula in front of you like you’re holding a jousting lance! Good, now, once we hear the chicken, charge your horse with me as we try to knock the other knight off his horse. Ready?! PCKAA!! CHICKEN GO! Horse charging Ya! Ya! Stretch out that spatula lance as far as you can reach! That’s it! Wait a minute…Flip!? Is that you!?
Flip: Look Splat! I’m riding a horse and holding this long stick thingy!
Splat: Flip! What are you doing!? I’m going to knock you off your horse!
Flip: Ew! That sounds fun!
Splat: I mean it, Flip! Give up or I’ll have to strike you down!
Flip: Haha! It’s like a poking contest!
Splat: Brace yourself, Flip! Here it comes….and jab your spatula lance, knights! CRASH – HORSE Flip: WEEEeeeeeeeee!
Ref: Winner – Sir Splatterton! Crowd cheers Next challengers! The Black knight vs Peasant Paul. To your positions! Chicken squawk. Horses charge, someone gets hit.
Peasant Paul: (out of breath) This just in, I’m in pain.
Splat: Holy spatula! That black knight is ferocious! I hope I don’t have to face him.
Ref: Next up, Sir Splatterton vs. Butcher Bob. To your positions!
Splat: Here we go again, knights! Hold out your spatula lances as we charge on our horse! Aaand…CHICKEN GO! Horses charge
Butcher Bob: Grunts
Splat: Stretch out that spatula! We’re almost to our challenger, readyyyy, jab! CRASH-HORSE-Butcher Bob grunts angrily.
Splat: Sorry Butcher Bob! I’m really desperate for a date. Here let me help you up by your beard.
Butcher Bob: GRUNT!
Beavs: The view from up here is impressive, your radiance. I’m sorry, am I fanning you too fast?
King Karl: Not fast enough. I want that palm leaf to move so fast that it makes my hair waft to the side.
Beavs: Anything for you, King Karl the Great. Pssst, knights, help me fan the king? My arms are killing me. Spatulas at the ready…Trumpets…Your spatula is a palm leaf, use it to help me fan the king. Fanning. Good. King Karl, did you get that turkey leg I sent you?
King Karl: What? Oh that, yeah I got it. I gave it to the dogs. Man, that breeze feels good. Keep fanning like that.
Beavs: As you wish. (mumbling) Keep fanning knights….Fanning…King Karl, I’ve been meaning to ask you about a sizeable mountain of trash that we found outside your palace the other day…
King Karl: Hold on Beaverly, I need to do something with this huge bag. There’s too much butter in this popcorn. I’ll just, toss it down there. Toss, hits peasants – Peasants groan
Peasant: Hey, watch it! Oh, I mean, thanks, for dumping trash on us your highness!
King Karl: What were you saying, Beaver?
HORSE – CRASH – CHEER
King Karl: Heavens, that black knight is unstoppable! But just you wait! The green knight, Prince Theodore from the neighboring kingdom, will topple him. (mumbling) – We’ve rigged the competition for him to win. Our two kingdoms could use a little boost of friendship and this should do the trick. I’ve equipped him with a lance that gets longer. Genius, I know. The other knights don’t stand a chance…What’s wrong? You don’t look well.
Beavs: Nothing, your majesty, I’m fine. I just…need to get something.
King Karl: Don’t be long! These box seats get hot!
Beavs runs up to Splat
Splat: There you are, Beavs! Come to wish me luck?
Beavs: Look, Splatterton, the green knight has a stick that gets longer. He’s going to cheat to win a date with Princess Pepper.
Splat: By knight, are you sure!? How do you know?
Beavs: Trust me. Just, be careful. I mean, I don’t care. Get out of here.
Ref: Sir Splatterton vs. the Green Knight! To your positions! CHICKEN
Splat: Trumpets! Come on knights, hold out your spatulas like a lance and charge! Horses That’s it! We’re almost there! Holy schmoly! Beavs was right, the green knight’s lance is getting longer! He’ll knock us off our horse before we get too close. I’ve got an idea! Let’s climb out onto the neck of our horse and reach as faaaaaaar as we can. Go on reaaaaach! Aaaaand JAB! CRASH – FALL! CROWD ERUPTS!
Ref: Sir Splatteron defeats the green knight!
Green Knight: Ooooooooww my tummy!
King Karl: That wasn’t supposed to happen!…Ehem, I mean, well played! Well Played!
Ref: Last match – Sir Splatterton vs. The black knight! To your positions!
Splat: Oh boy, knights, this is it. One more and we win that date! The black knight is ruthless. Not sure we can defeat him, but here goes. CHICKEN! HORSE Ya! YA! Let’s go, knights! Stretch out your spatula lance…Almost there!…Aaaaaaaaand….JAB! GUH! HORSE – FALL OOoooooh, (cough, cough). That hurt.
Ref: The black knight wins! CROWD ERUPTS Black knight, it is time for you to reveal yourself! Take off your helmet and face the princess. HELMET REMOVED – CROWD GASPS
Splat: Abigail? YOU are the black knight?!
Abigail: I’m so sorry, Splat. Are you okay? Here, let me help you up….I had to stop you from going on a date with that stuck up princess. She doesn’t deserve you. Princess Pepper, I Abigail the blacksmith, do not wish to go to the ball with you, but instead offer this bouquet of flowers as a token of my respect. Crowd Aaaaahs
Princess Pepper: Ugh, whatever. I didn’t want to go anyway.
Beavs: Splatterton, Flip, I suggest we head back to the tower as soon as possible. The king is in a rather sour mood and I don’t want to stick around to see how he handles this.
Splat: (groans) Agreed. Abbey, I don’t know what to say. I’ll…see you around I guess?
Abigail: I’m so sorry Splat! I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Let me help get you home.
Beavs: Yes, well, it’s the least you could do. Our tower is this way. Follow me.
Passage of time, Horses come to a stop
Splat: What in all of Spatulot! Our tower is decorated in blue and yellow flowers! It’s wondrous! And is that!?…NO…Hops off horse and runs over. It’s a giant box of chocolates on the doorstep! I LOVE chocolates! What’s this? There’s a note on the box. Sniff. Smells heavenly. Unfolds note. It says, My dearest Splat, I would bawl if you didn’t go to the ball with me. What do you say? Be my date? – Yours forever, Abbey. Abbey, this is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me! Thank you for publicly humiliating me and then cheering me up!
Abigail: You’re welcome!
Splat: Say, has anyone seen Flip? HORSE APPROACHES FAST
Beavs: Oh dear, here he comes.
Splat: No, Flip, the joust is over. Put that lance down!
Flip: I’m gonna poke yooooou!!!
Splat: He’s not stopping, RUN!