Episode 2: Rats!

Splat: Intro (from previous episode) then Splat: Episode two – Rats!

Silence then Trumpets

Splat: Knights…Spatulas at the ready! SLING! Turn your spatula sideways and hold it out in front of you with two hands like your holding onto the reins of a horse. We need to ride into the village to see our good friend Abigail, the Blacksmith. We need her to upgrade our spatulas before our next quest. Ready, Flip?

Flip: Does a flip

Splat: No Flip, I didn’t mean do a flip, I was asking…nevermind.  I’ll take that as a yes. Beavs?

Beavs: (groans) Oh blast it all, I’m coming. I was in the middle of a good book. Go on ahead, I’ll trot behind you from a distance as to not give the impression that I know you.

Splat: As you wish. To the blacksmith! Ya!! Horses trotting  Ya! Ya! Flick your spatula to make your horse speed up! Ya! Ya! Sounds of village – Peasant Paul’s voice approaching

Peasant Paul: Sir Splatterton! Knights of Spatula!

Splat: WhooOOooa! Stop horses. What is it Peasant Paul? You look abnormally chipper today.

Peasant Paul: I heard that you’s ridin’ with a witch? Is this her?

Flip: What did you call me?

Peasant Paul: Oooooh what a day! It’s true! Okay-okay-okay, I’d like three spells please. First, I want to be filthy rich, and by filthy rich, I mean I want to stay filthy but have lots of riches. Second, I want to sing like an angel. And third, I want to smell like butterflies.

Flip: What do butterflies smell like?

Peasant Paul: I don’t know…butter? You tell me, you’re the witch!

Splat: Ehem she’s not a witch, Peasant Paul. Flip is one of my Knights of Spatula. She’s a hero!

Peasant Paul: Are you sure? ‘Cause she’s got the…

Splat: …the wart, yes, I know. You villagers really need to broaden your definition of a witch.

Peasant Paul: But it looks like she’s turned someone into a giant beaver.

Splat: Him? Naaaah, that’s just Beavs, another one of our knights.

Beavs: On the contrary, I’m not associated with these scoundrels. I’m just a nosy bystander.

Splat: He’s one of us. So, Peasant Paul, what gossip have you? You’ve always got some juicy news to tell. What have you? And spare us the embellishments.

Peasant Paul: Of course! This just in…dragons have eaten half the kingdom!

Splat: That’s…not possible. I can see more than half the kingdom from where I’m standing.

Peasant Paul: Breaking story! The king is actually one of those dragons!!!

Splat: Okay, I think we’ve heard enough. Come on, knights.

Peasant Paul: Wait, wait…Special Update…word on the trails is that there’s been a rat infestation in the village. They’re gobblin’ up all the food and pesterin’ folks n’ such.

Beavs: Oh mercy, I hate rats. With their wet fur and beady eyes and buck teeth. Gew! What? What are you all looking at?

Splat: Nothing, Beavs. Nothing at all.  I’m intrigued, Peasant Paul. Tell us more.

Peasant Paul: They say they’re being led by a giant mother rat that’s bigger than the inn!

Splat: All right, we’re done here.

Peasant Paul: Ehem!

Splat: Right. Flips him coin. Go buy yourself a clean pair of clothes.

Peasant Paul: You have my word! Hey, Flip, buy your horse?

Flip: Okey Dokey! Peasant Paul flips her the coin. And Paul hops on horse

Splat: Wait, that was…my coin. Flip you need that horse and it’s worth far more than that. No, get off! That’s our prized stallion!

Peasant Paul: Thank you witch! YA! Ya! Rides off

Splat: (sighs) Let’s just go see the blacksmith.

Door opens and we hear a blacksmith pounding.

Abigail: Oh hi, Splat! Stops pounding I wasn’t expecting you! How embarrassing, I’m a total mess.

Splat: Don’t fix your hair for us, Abigail, you look just fine.

Beavs: This is the blacksmith? Goodness gracious she’s beautiful. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Beaverly Chipperton IV, I’m a dear dear friend of Splattertons. Some might call us BFF’s. He always says very kind things about me, don’t you Splatterton?

Splat: Um, sure? Abbey this is our other Knight of Spatula, Flip!

Abigail: Nice to meet you!

Flip: Looks aren’t everything, you know.

Abigail: I couldn’t agree more. Can I have my hand back? You’re squeezing it reeeeally tight. And now you’re squeezing it with two hands.

Splat: Fliiiip.

Abigail: Ah, thanks. What can I do for you, Splat? Go on a date with you to Mr. Ollie’s horse pasture and ride up to the top of gooseberry hill and have a picnic? Haha I’m totally kidding. Unless you want to? Then I’m free anytime.

Splat: Actually Abbey, we’re here to finish our spatulas. We’ve made a few coins off our last quest and we’d like to spice up our tools. Here’s mine. Sling! This spatula was handed down to me by my father, who got it from his father, and so on and so forth down to Sir Splatterton the first, who got it from a grumpy ‘ol line cook. Could you inscribe my name in it and give it a new handle?

Abigail: I’d love to! The gold on it is beautiful…just likes its owner.

Splat: Yes, well, here’s Flip’s spatula. What was it you wanted done to it Flip?

Flip: You can keep it.

Splat: NoOOooo, you wanted a silver coating, remember? Two coats should be fine. And Beavs, here, ate his last spatula. He’s fond of the wooden ones. Have you any strong wood that isn’t so delicious?

Abigail: I do actually! I have some Brazilian Olivewood, some of the strongest in the world. We should be able to pound it into something. Why don’t you all follow me back here to my workstation and help me with your spatulas?

Splat: We’d love to! Walk to back. All right, let’s set these down on this anvil here by the hot coals. And spatulas at the ready! Sling! Your spatulas are blacksmith hammers. Hammer our spatulas knights! Go on, pound them! POUNDING! Good! Hammer them into something beautiful! Give it a few more hearty pounds and watch those sparks fly! Excellent! Pounding stops. Now we’ll let Abigail add her finishing touches.

Flip: chug then sizzle GLAH!

Splat: Flip, did you just drink that cup of molten metal?!

Flip: That is the hottest hot cocoa I’ve ever had.

Beavs: What do you think of mine, Abigail? How did I do?

Abigail: Good, good. OH SPLAT! Your spatula is incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it!

Splat: Why thank you Abbey! As always, I appreciate your help!

Beavs: Look Abbigail, I’m doing push-ups. Have you ever seen someone do so many?
Flip: rat skittering about A RAT!

Beavs: Rat!? Where!? Hold me!

Splat: Ho you’re heavy Beavs!

Abigail: Another one. We’ve seen a lot of those lately. That has to be the sixth one I’ve seen today.

Splat: Is it now? Hmmmm, that’s odd. Beavs, I’m setting you down. It’s just a rodent.

Beavs: But the diseases!

Splat: Oh we’ve seen worse. Remember the Jumping Sharks?

Beavs: Yes, I suppose you’re right.

TRUMPETS!

Splat: That’s our signal! Follow the trumpets knights! Our next quest awaits! Thank you again Abigail!

Abigail: I love you! I mean- good luck!

Passage of time

Beavs: Door to butcher shop opens Good heavens! That man is just one enormous beard with legs. And there’s meat everywhere in here.

Flip: Mmm smells like bacon!

Splat: That is Butcher Bob. He can be a little difficult understand, so let me do the talking. Good morning, Butcher Bob!

Butcher Bob: (Grunts)

Beavs: Are those words or is he trying to clear his throat?

Splat: They’re words. Butcher Bob, might I ask how you came by a royal trumpet?

Butcher Bob: (one short grunt)

Beavs: What did he say?

Splat: He said that after our first quest word got out that we answer to the sound of trumpets, so everyone in the village went out and bought a trumpet.

Beavs: Oh great. Ask him if I can buy one of those giant turkey legs. King Karl loves turkey legs and I want to get him one.

Splat: We’ll take three of the juiciest turkey legs you’ve got.

Beavs: Oh, get the one wrapped in bacon. Those are the king’s favorite.

Butcher Bob: Grunts – sound of cash register

Splat: Thank you! I love the new fur coat, Butcher Bob. It goes well with the beard. Where did you get it?

Butcher Bob: (Grunts)

Splat: What do you mean it’s not a coat?

Butcher Bob: (More grunts)

Splat: You want us…to poke it? Okay knights, you heard the man. Spatulas at the ready! Sling! Poke Butcher Bob’s coat! Give it a good jab, but don’t hurt the man. Poke! Poke! Poke! Rats skittering. Holy spatula! That’s not a fur coat! They’re rats! Rats EVERYWHERE!

Beavs: Save me! SAVE ME! GEW! They’re running by my feet!

Flip: Ha ha! That tickles!

Splat: Gross Flip! Stop rolling around with the rats!

Flip: But they’re so cute and fuzzy!

Beavs: They’re trying to eat the king’s turkey leg! Get away you vicious vermin! Swings turkey leg at them – little rat voice – daddy? DADDY? Ew gross, they talk! I’m not your daddy! I’m a beaver, there’s a big difference!

Splat: They’re running outside, quick, follow them!

Skittering rats, go outside into village chaos

Splat: They’re all over the place! I can hardly see the ground! It’s time to swat some rats, knights! Spatulas at the ready! SLING! Run around and swat as many rats as you can! GO! SWAT! SMACK! EEE! SWAT! SMACK! EEE! SWAT! SMACK! EEE!

Flip: There’s one on your face, Splat! SWAT! SMACK!

Splat: OUCH!

Flip: RRR! It’s not coming off! Hold still! SWAT! SMACK! SWAT! SMACK!

Splat: UGH! No! That’s my mustache, Flip!

Flip: Well, it’s an ugly mustache and I don’t like it! SWAT! SMACK!

Splat: Stop it! Get that thing out of my face! Focus on the rats running around! Come on knights, there are plenty more left. Smack ‘em! Swat them away! SWAT! SMACK! EEE! SWAT! SMACK! EEE! – little rats calling for their mummy…(maybe overlapped with swatting?)

Beavs: Did that rat just call for its…mummy?

THUD…THUD…THUD…(Giant footsteps)

Momma Rat: (deepen the voice) I’m coming my darlings!

Splat: Holy smackeroni, it’s a giant momma rat! She’s enormous! What is she…she’s bending down and talking to all of her babies.

Momma Rat: (little rat voices talking to her) Uh huh. Yeah? Are they being mean to you? They’re not sharing their food? And they’re doing what with spatulas? No…no…you are  special….They just don’t appreciate you like I do….I told you, you are all precious….My babies get anything they want…even if it eventually turns you into miserable, entitled, fur balls. Don’t worry, I’ll teach them a lesson. Nobody says no to my babies! Rrrraaaaa!

GIANT FOOTSTEPS and Smashing.

Splat: She’s stomping on all of the thatched roof homes! They’re crumbling under her giant feet! STOMP! There goes Henry’s house! STOMP! Oh! There goes Tabitha’s store! STOMP! It just flattened Wesley’s barn! Eh, that was kind of deserved. No more! Knights, Spatulas at the ready! SLING! Your spatula is a slingshot! Hold it out in front of you, take aim at the giant rat, then pull back the top of the spatula and pretend to fling a rock, and let her go! FLOOM! FLOOM! FLOOM! PLAT! PLAT! PLAT! That’s it, fire those slingshots! FLOOM! FLOOM! Aim for her belly! Stop stomping on our homes you giant rat! FLOOM! FLOOM! PLAT! PLAT!

Mamma Rat: Ow! Ouch! Hey! Knock it off you!

Splat: Watch out for her foot! STOMP! BOOM! Whew that was close! Fire your slingshots! FLOOM! FLOOM! PLAT! PLAT! Here comes another stomp, watch her foot! STOMP! BOOM! Skittering rats. Oh no, here come her baby rats! See if you can swat them away and fire your slingshot! SWAT! SMACK! FLOOM! PLAT! Look at you! SWAT! SMACK! FLOOM! PLAT! Flip, you aren’t going to hit the momma rat if your eyes are closed!

Flip: What? FLOOM! CLONK! I got her!

Momma Rat: AHHH! Right between my eyes!

Beavs: That’s what you get for messing with the king’s subjects!

Momma Rat: Beaverly? Is that you?

Beavs: Hagnus?

Splat: Beavs, you know this creature?

Momma Rat: Know me? We practically dated.

Beavs: Oh, uh, well, it was just a walk around the palace grounds. My cousin, an overzealous  hamster, set us up. Obviously it was a blind date.

Momma Rat: You never called me back. Do you have any idea how long I spent curling my tail before that date?

Beavs: I got busy, you know…with stuff.

Momma Rat: Sure, sure. How about we just go on that second date now, then?

Beavs: Gee Hagnus, that sounds interesting, but I’m afraid we’re busy saving the kingdom…from you.

Momma Rat: Saving the kingdom? I wasn’t going to smash all of it. I just needed to teach you all a lesson. We came here for our share of the trash.

Splat: I’m sorry, the trash?

Momma Rat: Yeah, the trash that’s piled up at the edge of the village and clogging up the river. Here, I’ll show you. STOMPS and then stops

Splat: By spatula that is the biggest pile of trash I’ve ever seen!

Flip: WEEEE!  SPLASH into trash

Splat: Flip, get out of there! You can swim around in garbage later! Where did all this come from?

Momma Rat: I don’t know, but it’s delicious! There are some rare delicacies in there. See that shoe right there? That’s an 1132, a very good year.

Beavs: Wait a minute, is that a power bar wrapper? And-and an old dumbbell? Turkey leg bones?!

Splat: What is it, Beavs?

Beavs: Why it’s… the king’s trash. I’d recognize it anywhere.

Momma Rat: So that’s what you’ve been busy doing, rummaging through the king’s trash?

Beavs: Among other things, yes. That was my entry level position in the castle.

Splat: The king is dumping all his trash out here in the village? That’s disgusting!

Beavs: I’m sure he just ran out of room in the castle or something.

Splat: Princess Pepper has seven rooms for her one cat! He has plenty of room to keep his trash! We must get rid of it immediately! Hagnus.

Momma Rat: Yes?

Splat: If we dig some holes and bury this trash in them, will you and your babies go underground with it?

Momma Rat: Do I get to keep the beaver?

Flip: He’s all yours!
Beavs: No, I’m not part of the deal.

Momma Rat: Hm! I’m too good for you anyway. Fine we’ll go underground. But these holes better be roomy!

Splat: You heard the rat, knights! It’s time to dig some holes! Spatulas at the ready! SLING! Your spatula is a shovel! Dig the deepest hole you’ve ever dug! Aaaand DIG! Digging noise. Keep going, dig and toss, dig and toss! Go as deep as you can, knights! See how deep I am! Couple more shovels full and that should do it. Perfect! Now shovel the trash into the holes. SHOVELING. Go on in Momma Rat, we’ve dug an intricate series of tunnels for you and your babies.

Momma Rat: Okay well, I guess we’re going. Come my babies. SKITTERING. Tell your king to get his trash under control. We can’t resist a delicious heap of garbage. And Beavs…call me. Or just throw some trash out on your porch or something and I’ll be there.

Beavs: Okay.

Splat: All right, knights, use your spatula shovels to bury the trash. SHOVELING. Ahh! We did it! Did you hear that everyone, we did it! It’s safe to come…out…where is everyone?

Beavs: Looks like nobody saw our handy work…again. I tried to position myself so the king could see from his window. But there are no guarantees.

Splat: Well, at least we have these delicious bacon wrapped turkey legs to celebrate with! BITE Mmmmm juicy. Go ahead knights, pretend your spatula is a big drumstick of meat and gobble it up. YOM YOM YOM Beavs, your missing out.

Beavs: It’ll be worth it. When I bring this turkey leg to the king he’ll promote me for sure.

Peasant Paul: (approaches, leading a group of villagers) There they are! There’s the giant rat and its accomplices I told you about. Told ya I wasn’t lyin’! They’ve even got a witch!

Beavs: I’m not a rat!

Flip: I’m not a witch!

Splat: I’m outta here! Back to the tower!

End Song