Episode 1: Banditouies

gregwebb44The Knights of Spatula

Sound the trumpets, The Knights of Spatula are here! Grab a spatula and join forces with our whacky misfit knights as you embark on your very first interactive adventure! (Duration: 20:50). Theme music by Kevin Macleod – Incompetech.com. Want to listen offline? Click the download icon on the player above to download this episode to your device.

Episode 1: Banditouies

Intro: The Purple Rocket Podcast presents, The Knights of Spatula! Theme Song

Sir Splatterton – Hello there! Sir Splatterton here. As founder and leader of the Knights of Spatula, I feel it is my responsibility to inform you of your duty as a fellow Knight of Spatula. The Knights of Spatula is an interactive podcast, so with the permission of a parent or guardian you will need to borrow a spatula to participate. So stop staring off into space, pause the story, ask if you can use a spatula, and meet me back here. Go!…Got your spatula? Good! Let’s see it. Not bad. Now, hold it out in front of you and do a little turn.

It’s important that you make sure it isn’t within reach of anyone you like, because during the story you’re going to be moving that glorious spatula all over the place. During our quests, every time you hear me say, “Spatulas at the ready!” and hear this sound…(trumpet – da da-da daaaaaa) hold up your spatula, engage your imagination, and then use it as instructed. Got it? Splendid! On with our adventure! Episode 1: Banditooies

Toilet flush and door opens

Splat: There you are! I was starting to worry about you in there. I know you’re a little nervous about your first day with the Knights of Spatula, but I can assure you, you have nothing to worry about. Come on in, make yourself comfortable. Welcome to the official tower of the Knights! My name is Sir Splatterton, but you can call me Splat. That over there is Flip, don’t let her age fool you, she’s a brilliant warrior and also the only other person to apply for the job. Say hi, Flip!

Flip: Hello! Did you bring any snacks?

Splat: Fireplace – Flip, how many times have I told you not to sit so close to the fireplace? I don’t want your big frizzy hair catching fire again.

Flip: But it’s so pretty. AAAHH!!!

Splat: Flip, no! Not again! (runs over and stomps it out).

Flip: It smells funny. I kinda like it.

Splat: Why are we starting fires in the summertime anyway? I’m sweating buckets in this armor as it is! Ehem, where were we? Ah, yes! I was giving you a tour. As you can see, our little stone tower is not very spacious, but we make do. We have a ten layer bunk bed over here…Obviously I was expecting a few more applicants. Over here is our table, of course the fireplace, that’s my big mirror over there, don’t touch it, it’s custom made, and over here’s the only window. Look at that view – the best in all of Spatulot, I’m sure of it. We’re thirty stories up, so don’t stand too close, we’re not insured. Dog bark. And how could I forget my drogan, Duke! Here boy! Or girl! I honestly haven’t figured out which it is yet. The scales make it hard to tell. Isn’t he the most beautiful half dog, half dragon you’ve ever seen? Duke is one of a kind. Yes you are! See how his or her scales and fur are spotted black and white, and his wings have that greenish yellow color? Super rare. Say hi, Duke! Bark and fire burst. Sorry about that. Let me just put that little fire out on your shoulder.

Flip: Love that smell!

Door opens

Splat: Good heavens, it’s a giant beaver wearing clothes! (Drawing spatula – SLING!) Stand down beaver man!

Beavs:  Put your spatulas away! I’m here on official business.

Splat: Then state your business!

Beavs: My name is Beaverly Chipperton IV and I’ve been sent here by order of King Karl to personally make sure your group of wannabe knights doesn’t destroy the village during your quests.

Splat: Excellent! A new recruit!

Beavs: Not joining. Just babysitting. Biding my time until the king appoints me to a more meaningful post.

Splat: Well there are no squishy babies to sit on in here.  Even if there were you wouldn’t be able to use them as cushions. Flip tried that in the market once and it didn’t go over well. Your armor is waiting for you right over there. We shall call you Beavs.

Beavs: Right, right. I’ll just lay down on this freakishly tall bunk bed over here and take a little nap. Carry on.

Long Trumpet Call – Splat: You hear that?! That’s our signal! Our first quest awaits! To the horses!

Beavs (groaning): Preposterous! I just layed down!

Splat: Quick! Down the ridiculously long spiral staircase!…What in the!? The stairs are gone!? We’re trapped in the tower! Beavs! Did you chew up our wooden stairs, you vicious rodent!?

Beavs: And trap myself up here with you goons? I think not!

Flip: I did it!

Splat: Did what Flip?

Flip: I took the staircase and carved it into a really long slide going out the window. I love slides!

Splat: Would you look at that! You did build a slide from our thirtieth story window! Very well. Down the slide we go! Sliding

Flip: Weeee!

Beavs: No don’t-! RRrr wait for me! Sliding

Splat: Call our horses so we can heroically fly off the slide onto them at the bottom! Whistles

Flip: Caw! Caw! Caw!

Splat: Whoa! Umf! (all umf! Horse whinnys) Spatulas at the ready! (Trumpet – da da-da daaaa!) Whispers – Ehem, that means you. Sling! Now hold out your spatula sideways in front of you and grab onto it with two hands. Good! You’re holding onto the horse’s reins. Now, flick it and say, YA! (horse whinnys) And we’re off! (horse gallop) YA! YA! Keep flicking that spatula! We need to get to the king’s castle as quick as we can. Try to look heroic like me as we ride through the village. I want the townspeople to know they’re in good hands. YA! YA! YA! (gallop) WHOOOOOooooa! (gallop stops) Flip, you’re sitting on your horse backwards.

Flip: Oh, there you guys are! I was wonderin’ where you went!

Splat: We’ve made it to the glorious castle of Spatulot! Known for its high towers, only slightly higher than ours, and its alligator infested moat surrounding it. (chomp!) Gew!

Flip: Ha! Ha! Look Splat, I’m ridin’ an alligator! Splashes

Splat: Get off that thing! You’re making the horses jealous! Come here, stand by me. Not so close. Alright, I’ll just knock on this gigantic door here.

Beavs: Hold it! Step aside! That’s the job of an official government employee. I’ll do the knocking and the talking. I’m sure there’s been some mistake. Someone probably just sneezed into a trumpet or something. We’ll get to the bottom of it. I’ll just give the door the required number of knocks (handful of knocks – door opens)

Gruff Voice: Yes?

Beavs: My lessers here, who call themselves the Knights of Spatula, are answering the call to quest, if there even was such a thing. We hay have misheard.

Splat: Call to quest. I like the sound of that.

Beavs: Shhh! I’m doing the talking.

Gruff Voice: His majesty is waiting for you.

Beavs: Really? Are you sure-?

Flip/Splat: Excuse me, coming through! Race you to the top of the stairs!

(Footsteps. Door opens – we hear someone lifting weights) King Karl: Nine hundred and ninety eight. Nine hundred and ninety nine. One thousand. (Grunts and sets down bar)

Beavs: Twelve adult peasants! Impressive your majesty! I’ve never seen you lift so many!

King Karl: Yeah well, ever since the famine started I’ve had to add on a few more to make it challenging. What are you all looking at? Get me a turkey leg!

Splat: May I just say, King Karl, you’re even bigger in person. Your statues do not do you justice. Look at you, your arm is bigger than our beaver friend here.

Beavs: I’m not your friend. But he is right your most majestic majesty, you’re looking stronger every day.

King Karl: These are the Knights of Spatula? What’s with the witch?

Flip: I’M NOT A WITCH!
Splat: She really doesn’t like being called that.

King Karl: I can see that. It’s her nose wart. Always a dead give away. Either way, her spells may come in handy for the quest I’m about to send you on.

Flip: I don’t know any spells!

Splat: Down Flip!

Beavs: You have a quest…for them?

King Karl: Believe it or not, these here are the only people in the entire kingdom foolish enough to try to protect it.

Splat: Ahhhh thank you.

King Karl: My daughter, Princess Pepper, is stranded on our private island, the biggest of the Carribarbarian Isles. I’m too busy to go get her myself, sooooOOooo yeah…

Splat: We will bring her back, King Karl. You have my word. And then Princess Pepper and I will marry and you will give us your blessing and I can call you dad.

King Karl: Never going to happen. I’d rather marry her off to the beaver. No offense.

Beavs: None taken your greatness.

Splat: You’ll grow to love me. Everyone will. You’ll see. Come knights, to the Sea of Spatulot! The princess in distress awaits!

(Passage of time: sounds of sea)

Splat: No…no…no…no…Ah ha! There it is! Right where I left it!

Beavs: This is your boat? There are holes in the bottom!

Splat: Only a few. If we paddle really fast we can make it to the island before we sink.

Beavs: These are shark infested waters!

Splat: What better motivation to paddle! All aboard! Flip, you try sucking up the water and spitting it overboard if it starts getting dicey.

Flip: I’m a great spitter!

Splat: Yes you are. Spatulas at the ready! Sling! Trumpet! Hold your spatulas upside down like a paddle and get ready to paddle for your lives. 1…2…3…PADDLE! (Paddle sounds) Go! Go! Go! Paddle your hearts out knights! Your lives depend on it! More importantly, my future love life with the princess depends on it!

Beavs: We’re taking on water!

Splat: Go for it Flip!

Flip: Slirp spit! Slirp spit! CHOMP!

Splat: Holy grail! Jumping sharks! Whack them with your spatulas, knights! Whack! Whack! Now paddle again, come on, PADDLE! We’re almost there! Paddling. CHOMP! Another shark! Whack it! Whack! You did it! Paddling stops. We made it to the island! Good work, knights. Flip I couldn’t believe how much water you slirped up and spat out of the boat!

Beavs: I have to admit that was quite impressive.

Splat: Beavs, I’ve never seen someone put so little effort into paddling. It looked like you were barely dipping your paddle into the water.

Beavs: Yes, well, the Spatulot Labor Union doesn’t train for these sorts of things.

Splat: Good heavens! I’ve never seen such beauty! This is my first time at the Carribarbarian Islands. Beach sounds

Beavs: It is the king’s private island. Few have set foot on it.

Splat: Look at that white sand. And those tall swaying palm trees. Flip! Get down from there! You can climb for coconuts later! Flip moans.

Princess Pepper: Like, hellOooOoOOo?

Splat: (gasps): Just when I thought the island couldn’t get any more beautiful, an angel appears. Princess Pepper, we are the Knights of Spatula and we are here to rescue your gorgeous self. (Kiss)

Princess Pepper: Get your lips off my hand! I just had these nails done.

Splat: Ah yes, so you did! Lovely colors! I can see that you love yourself. I happen to be quite fond of myself as well. Look at us, two selfish, self-centered people, we’re the perfect match! Destined for matrimonial success!

Princess Pepper: Ew.

Beavs: Please don’t embarrass us, Splatterton. Your highness, I apologize for this man’s behaviour. But your father has sent us here to bring you home.

Princess Pepper: I can’t go.

Beav: You…can’t go?

Princess Pepper: I just started getting my tan on and I’ve only painted half my toenails, sOOooooo…

Flip: Is this where you tanned? This is a nice spot. Real nice. The sun hits it just right. And this lotion smells delicious! Mmmmm and it tastes delicious!

Princess Pepper: There’s a witch in my beach chair!

Flip: What did you call me!?

Splat: Now ladies, let’s not get testy. How about we finish this little discussion in the boat? Huh?! Princess Pepper, you can tan the whole way home while Beavs paints the rest of your toenails and cleans between your toes.

Beavs: I’ll do it as long as your father hears about it.

Princess Pepper: Oh, I also can’t go because I’m being held prisoner by Banditouies.

Splat: Banditouies? You don’t mean –

Banditouie 1:(Rustling Bush) Ha! Ha! If it isn’t the Knights of Spatula!

Splat: The mustached Banditouies! How do you know who we are? We just named ourselves today?

Banditioue 1: Well, we’ve been listening from the bushes for a while now, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal ourselves!

Beavs: That was good timing.

Splat: I didn’t know Banditiouies were so small. You must’ve fit three to a bush.

Banditiouie 1: Five actually. It was getting really uncomfortable.

Splat: I’m sure. Well, it was nice meeting you tiny mustached men, but we must be on our way. The king is expecting us to return with his daughter immediately. So if you could just step aside so I don’t knee you in the face on my way back to the boat…

SLING! Banditiouie 1: The Princess stays until King Karl sends a boat full of gold to the island!

Beav (groaning): I should’ve known there’d be a ransom. Look, Banditooties…

Banditouie 1: Banditouies.

Beav: Right. How do I put this? The king is extremely cheap. I can tell you first hand, my salary is a fraction of what the butcher makes in a good year. The benefits aren’t bad. We get uniforms and a fruit basket during the holidays. But if it weren’t for the opportunity to move up, I would’ve left years ago. Trust me, he’ll send you a sack of coins at most.

Banditouie 1: Liar! No pay. No princess.

Splat: So be it! Knights, spatulas at the ready! Trumpet! SLING! Beavs, look at you! You got yourself a nice wooden spatula!

Beavs: I carved it with my teeth using some of the boat’s wood. As your babysitter, it didn’t seem right to be the only one unarmed.

Splat: Spoken like a true knight. ATTACK! Use your spatulas as a sword! CLING! CLANG! Wave it through the air! Jab! Slice! Block! That’s it! Good! CLINGS! CLANGS! Beavs! Get the princess to the boat while we hold them off!

Princess Pepper: You can’t be serious. That little beaver cannot pick me u-UH AAAHH!

Beavs: Hold still your highness! RRRRR UMF! THUD! She’s in the boat! Let’s go!

Splat: Come on, Flip! Leave the coconuts!…Hop in! Now row, knights, row with your spatulas!

Flip: Bye bye banditootoos!

Princess Pepper: Wait, my tanning lotion! I can’t live without it!

Beavs: Your highness…

Splat: I got it! Splash! Swim! Back in boat! Here you go!

Princess Pepper: Ugh, thanks.

Beavs: That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe we’re doing this!

Splat: It’s about to get a lot crazier. The Banditouies are pursuing us in a boat of their own! Paddle, knights! Paddle! Paddle

Beavs: They’re getting closer!

Flip: That’s a funny looking bird.

Splat: It’s Duke! He’s flying over to the banditouies boat! Bark! Fire! That beautiful drogon’s barking fire at their ship! Ha! Ha! It’s catching fire and sinking. Go, Duke, go! They’re swimming back to the island. We did it, knights! We did it! Come here, Duke! Wing Flap! Bark! Who’s a good boy!? Who’s a good boy!?

Beavs: Em Splat, I feel it my responsibility to warn you that kissing a drogon like that is incredibly dangerous.

Kisses – Princess Pepper: Ew.

Passage of time.

Beavs: Your most gracious majesty, we have brought you your daughter, Princess Pepper.

Princess Pepper: Hi dad.

King Karl: You’re grounded.

Princess Pepper: No I’m not.

King Karl: Okay. Good night sweetie.

Princess Pepper: Whatever.

Splat: Sweet dreams, my love. Your father and I will work out the details of our wedding and tell you all about them in the morning.

King Karl: Not in a million years. But I must say, Knights of Spatula, I’m impressed. I was sure you would all die during your quest. Many bets were placed against your survival throughout the kingdom. As a matter of fact, I lost a dozen good donkeys from it. But you’ve beaten the odds and returned my fair daughter. For that I am grateful. Here is your reward. Coin bag.

Beavs (mumbling): Told you he was cheap.

King Karl: What’s that?

Beavs: Gold you must keep, sir. You are most generous.

King Karl: Yes, well, it may be just the beginning. Listen for the trumpets. There may be more work for you after all. Good night.

Beavs and Splat: Good night. Flip: Hello! (overlap)

Door closes – Splat: I have to say, that was a remarkable first day as official protectors of Spatulot. Ah, it feels good to be a knight, doesn’t it?

Beavs: I’m not a knight. I’m just making sure you all don’t burn down the kingdom.

Splat: You wielded a spatula didn’t you? You were brave weren’t you? You, Beaverly Chipperton IV are officially a Knight of Spatula, whether you like it or not. And pretty soon, after years of practice, you’ll be able to do this with your spatula. Hugh! Hee! Ho! See that spin there? It’s just a little twirl with the fingers. But it’s very complicated. Hugh! Like that, see? Took me half my life to master that.

Beavs: You mean like this?

Flip: That’s really easy! Look, I can spin it back and forth between both hands!

Splat: No, it’s..Okay. But, mine looks better. Stop it! Back to the tower!

End Theme Song